Argh!!

I so missed posting in January by 1 day!!!  That is so frustrating, since I have really been trying to make a conscious effort to hold true to my birthday goals for 30.  I cannot believe I am saying that...I will be the big 3-0 this year!!  Honestly, I look at the last 29+ years, and just wonder...where is all this going to lead me?  Am I going to ever be married with a family?  Am I ever going to be able to start up a photography business for real?  Will I ever be financially stable?  Will I ever find a routine in eating healthier or working out?  Will I ever have enough push in me to become more spiritually sound and knowledgeable of the Word?  Will I ever push myself to write thank you notes and send cards? 
I look at the goals I have set for myself and just want to scream.  I feel like I always have things I WANT to do, but for some reason, everything within me WON'T let me actually accomplish them.  I don't know what is going on within me.  I feel like I am in the middle of an inner battle, starting with accepting myself as I am.  I spend more time beating myself up than celebrating who I am in Christ.  I find every flaw within me and what is on the outside. 
I want to have beautiful teeth, tanned skin, toned body, and an ear without an ornament on it.  I am really tired of wearing my hearing aid, but truly know there are no other options, so acceptance is necessary.  Also, I am so sick of not having strong, white teeth, but without enamel, acceptance is necessary.  I am also sick of not being able to drop the pounds and keep them off like I once could, but without a plan, acceptance for my current weight and pushing to lose it has to be key.  Also, tanned skin...well, until summer, this paste will have to do.  :)
I guess that I am writing this blog to let you all know of some inward struggles.  I have always been a goal setter and goal getter.  For some reason, I have let so many others control my drive to accomplish things.  It is frustrating and stressful when you live for others.  I am currently fighting Satan's hold for pleasing people.  I am trying to rid myself of the chains that have a hold on all that I am. 
I will be learning a lot about this idea, as I dive into the study of Esther by Beth Moore with the roommates.The title is Esther:  It Is Tough To Be a Woman.  I know that I will learn a lot from this study, as the first week has already challenged me in ways I never knew it would.  I have lots to learn about myself, especially the way I view myself.  If I cannot love myself as God loves me, then loving others the way God does is impossible.  I am trying to defeat the inner struggle that won't let me accept who I am and move forward to improve my self worth in Christ.  I look forward to learning more about who I am in Christ, and redeveloping the love I have for myself and others.
I know that God has been waiting for me to come back to Him and understand that He is so in love with me and has a great plan for my life.  It is just that I now have to remember that for all of the goals to be accomplished, I have to come to an acceptance of who I was created to be, as well as stay focused on Him, so "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  I am reclaiming that verse, so that I can stay focused on the prize that is set before me by God.  He has such a mighty plan for my life, and I have let so much be robbed by doing anything and everything to please others instead of Christ.
So, all this to say...goals are there, and I am going to do all that I can to reclaim the person I am in Christ...the one who is so focused on Christ that nothing could stop me from doing anything He puts in my path.  So here is to accomplishing all the things I desire from the first paragraph and all the lists I have written down in the past...